I Got Scared

I tend to stay away from New Year’s resolutions and tend to opt for dreams/intentions/manifestations because those don’t feel so much like mandate or pressure or you’re a bad person if you miss one day. But this year I actually need RESOLVE for what I’m dreaming up for myself in 2021. So my New Year’s resolution is to confront my fears of speaking publicly about body positivity and fat representation and start DOING THAT!!! It sounds silly because I have done an entire solo show about this, talk about it constantly in life and on social media, have a personal blog dedicated to it, and read tons of articles and books about fat politics...but I’ve been scared to post pictures of my body and accompany them with my own words. If you’re my friend on social media, you probably see me posting a lot about fat issues - specifically, retweeting, reposting, and sharing others’ words. But in the past year, I’ve stopped writing my own. I have tons of posts stored in my drafts, but I haven’t even posted on this blog since the OG shutdown in March and it’s because I. GOT. SCARED. As for social media, particularly’s really hard for me to even look at pictures of myself, let alone share them. I’m scared to be literally seen as a plus size person advocating for body diversity I’m scared my looks mean people will give me diet advice instead of listening to me when I ask them to treat fat people better. I’m scared I won’t be believed or taken seriously. I’m scared that calling out fatphobia will cost me jobs, relationships, and career opportunities. I’m scared of trolling and death threats - not something I have to worry about too often at this point, but speaking out publicly about fat issues tends to bring on backlash (Lindy West’s memoir really terrified me, not gonna lie.) I’m scared because talking more about this means I can’t keep pretending I’m not fat and hiding my body from social media, only posting pictures where I look my least fat. I can't pretend that my size doesn't limit me in some people's eyes.

Basically, I'm scared for a million reasons, and they all come down to: "what will other people think of me???"

But I know I can't live my life from a place of fear, especially a fear that I can only control by staying silent.

I’m not setting a hard goal of overcoming these fears, because they might always be there, and I can hold space for that - fear is logical and valid! But I am resolving to say what’s on my mind despite it. You’ll be hearing from me in 2021.

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